Customer service by the bank

This is a letter written by an 86-year old lady to a bank.

Dear Sir:

I am  writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I  endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my  calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed  between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my  account of the funds needed to honor it.

I  refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my  entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been  in place for only eight years.

You are to be  commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,  and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty  for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My  thankfulness springs from the manner in which this  incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial  ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your  telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact  you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,  pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has  become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to  deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage  and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no  longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by  cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an  employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be  aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any  other person to open such an envelope.

Please  find attached an Application Contact which I require  your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it  runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much  about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is  no alternative.

Please note that all copies of  his or her medical history must be countersigned by a  Notary Public figure, and the mandatory details of  his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and  liabilities) must be accompanied by documented  proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will  issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must  quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it  cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have  modelled it on the number of button presses required of  me to access my account balance on your phone bank  service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest  form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field  even further.

When you call me, press buttons as  follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE  STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an  appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing  payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living  room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call  to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To  transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to  nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile  phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message  on my computer, a password to access my computer is  required.

Password will be communicated to you at  a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned  earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to  listen to options 1 to 9

#9. To make a  general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will  then be put on hold, pending the attention of my  automated answering service.

While this may, on  occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will  play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably,  but again following your example, I must also levy an  establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new  arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so  slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble  Client